Looking back at 2011, I've gotta say I've changed alot. In some aspects I've changed for the better, but in other aspects, I must say for the worst.

2011 is a year that I've achieved/attained most of the things that I've been dreaming of for the past few years, perhaps since TA1. Yet it is also this year that I've fallen in terms of studies, maybe in terms of my attitude too. Sigh, it has been one bitter-sweet year.

Before typing this, I went back to read the post I did exactly one year ago. Idk why but somehow I sounded so much happier. Maybe it was cos there wasnt much hwork during the hols or maybe it's just me.

Ok wtv I shall make a list of this year's events to rmb this year.

1. Things that happened this year

• Orientation
• Got into 02/11 and SIMPLE PLAN was formed :)
• Malacca trip
• Polo Nats and eventually...
• POLO FINALS (listed separately cos' the experience was just too magical)
• Got asked by Kerwei to join National Team goalie trng
  
• Swim Nats - Amazingly got into finals for 100m and 2o0m breaststroke :O
• Got into SportsXcel
• Induction camp :-D
• June swim camp - Ran for and became polo captain
  
• The Leadership Faceoff - My first shot at facilitating
  
• Temasek Appreciation Ceremony - First event Sportsxcel planned :)
  
• Swim JTS
• College day
• Orisa went off :(
• SLCamp!!!! - First time being I/C of such a big event and one of my best learning experiences
• Worked with housecomm to plan sports carnival
• SLCongress
• SportsXcel retreat
• Nov Swim Camp - A learning experience for me too.
  
• Outward Bound Korea - Life-changing :)

Woah this year has certainly been eventful. SportsXcel, swim/polo EXCO, OBO, carereps, etc. The list of commitments I have are endless to be honest. There was a certain point this year (around sept before SLCamp and Promos) that I srsly almost gave up, and there were countless number of times that I asked myself why did I take up so much stuff. But deep down inside I know that it is every single one of this events that has got me to where I am, and it is all these events that have built me up to be who I am today. And without all this events school will just be boring and like muggerland where I just mug and do tutorials/ stare at lecturers all day long!!! >:O

2. Events that have changed my life

• Polo Nats
  This nationals was my first and it is sth that I'll rmb for my entire life. Actually looking back, all I could rmb were the good moments - That game when we won SAJC 8-2, that moment in the SA game when I saved the penalty shot, half the college down at polo nationals cheering their lungs out for us. But reading back the emo posts that I posted in this blog, then I started to recall the tough parts. Training with Mr Bunz, the times when I couldnt save any balls and felt like giving up, the times I felt so lousy for not being able to contribute. But yeah polo is something that has changed my life entirely. And this year is just like the sampler to next year, like a kind of motivation for us to do even better next year.
  
  
• SportsXcel
  I still rmb myself being so caught in between, not being able to decide whether to try for SportsXcel or not. And I'm really seriously thankful that I tried and got in. I guess SportsXcel was what brought me to where I am today. Ok there's so many aspects of SportsXcel that I needa "praise" but the most impt thing would be the people. The 11 of us (plus Mr Tan) make up the best Xcel family that anyone can ever find! We ARE the special batch. :)

(OK FROM THIS POINT ON IM GONNA RUSH ABIT)

• SLCamp 2011
  The awesomest camp ever in my whole life, and one of the experiences which I learnt the most as a leader. Being I/C of a camp is no easy job, but being I/C of a camp right before promos is like woah, a bomb being dropped onto you. But like I said, no regrets man. Learned super alot during the camp.
  
  
• OBK
  OBK was totally different from the other Outward Bounds. It felt like heaven srsly - No work, nice food, nice weather, awesome people. But it was certainly a life-changing experience. Got to literally experience the saying whereby a person is only as strong as his mind is. Ok I shant talk about OBK cos I suck at writing and wont do the course justice. Go read Clements post on fb lololol.

Ok, now for........

3. Things I needa work on next year

• Being a better captain
  Honestly I think I suck as captain. Needa work on how to motivate others more, how to push the team towards our goal, and I needa be more focussed.
  
  
• Being a better goalie
  I feel damn cui from not trng for so long and I rlly needa get my form back soon.
  
  
• GOING TOWARDS OUR GOAL FOR POLO
  
  
• Studying harder
  3 years in TJ, failing everything even though I studies like shit has srsly drained out all the motivation and drive I ever had. Watching Melvin's "How bad do you want success" video was like a wake-up call. SIGH A LEVEL YEAR SIGHHH.
  
  

Ok lastly, People that have made 2011 awesum:

1. Cherie and Divya - Best buddies who have been there for me since 2009
2. Charmaine, Ruz, KL - My bestest simple plan buddies who bring fun to lessons
3. SportsXcel family (Zhisen, Melvin, Samantha, Amelia, Vanessa, Geunju, Geunhye, Hangrong, Sandy, Mr Tan) for everything that they've done for me and making school fun
   
4. Swim and polo team for being my 2nd family (or 3rd hehe since Sportsxcels my family too)
   
5. AWESOME OBK-ers who bring so much rubbish to my life heheh <3

OKAY OMG I TOOK 2HR TO WRITE THIS HEH

I feel like I am gonna reach my limit soon. For everything.

It never used to be like that, but now every time someone makes some remark about me I realise I can't joke along anymore. There'll come this day when I can't swallow things down anymore. Everytime people say those stuff, I'll just smile and laugh along. But deep in my heart, it hurts so bad. It makes me think so hard every night. And I know one day I'll just break.

I feel so...... lost. I really didn't mean to post those statuses to demoralise the team.

Okay I know that we can do this as a team. I know that I can do this. But I just feel so doubtful. Not of the team, but of myself. My goalkeeping skills are like on and off. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. I can save hard balls but I keep letting in easy balls. I am trying, I know I am. It's like I put in my all, but I just can't do it. I jump, and I miss the ball by that little bit. Or like my fingers touch the ball and it's still a goal.

I really dont wanna let Mr Loh down, I dont wanna let Mr Buns down, I dont wanna let the team down. Now it's not just about me. I dont care if in front of everyone I look like some noob goalie who can't save easy balls. Now it's all about everyone else. Everyone who believes in me. People who put the time in to coach me. And my mom keeps nagging at me to do well and be a good goalie and get into combined schools or else I'll just embarrass Mr Buns.

I have the privilege of having Mr Buns to coach me while other goalies dont. Our training is definitely way more intensive than them. But why is my keeping still same/lousier than them? Then what's the point of Mr Buns putting in so much time and effort to train me?

And what about my team? They swim up and down so hard in the game just to score those goals. For me, I just float at the goalpost and I cant even save those balls?

I feel so scared. Everytime I visualise, I see myself saving goals but somehow I start tearing even with my eyes closed. I start tearing when I think about the team and how it's just gonna suck if on that day im off-form. It's just so scary.

Urgh, idk luh. Sorry team.

I PROMISE I WILL DO MY BEST. But what if my best isnt enough?

I really screwed up today. Didnt just let myself down, but I let the whole team down. They were playing so well till I came in. I know I hadnt played player since months ago, but still. What the hell was I doing?

I disappointed everyone. I made her angry.

1 month to Nationals. Can we do this? Are we ready? Am I ready? I know we can do this. But there's so many What ifs. It's so hard to predict what will happen. But like what Karon said. Polo is supposed to be a game where we don't really have to predict what will happen. We react along with what happens. Same for goalkeeping.

REACTION.

Am I ready? Honestly, I dont know.